| Although some people still have some mystical, | | | | deflect any blame or criticism that they feel is being |
| magical "shoulds" in their minds that say that "you | | | | leveled against them. Couples may even believe that |
| should be able to solve your own problems without | | | | they communicate well and yet, still cannot effectively |
| help", getting assistance for marital difficulties is now | | | | solve the problems in their marriage. There is often a |
| acceptable and commonplace. Many of your | | | | difference between knowing how to communicate |
| neighbors, office cohorts, and possibly even people in | | | | well and actually using good communication skills when |
| your own family, have sought and benefited from | | | | they are most needed-in the midst of conflict and |
| marital counseling. There are as many different | | | | tension. When the atmosphere is one of "every man |
| reasons why people seek marital counseling as there | | | | for himself", the future of the relationship seems bleak. |
| are couples seeking it. Many things impact the | | | | It may feel as if there is no way out of the hurt that |
| marriage in today's society. Some couples deal with | | | | you are experiencing. As you are trying harder and |
| grave issues like infidelity, abuse, mental health issues | | | | harder to make yourself understood by your partner, |
| or addiction, but many work on day to day living issues. | | | | they are doing the same thing--stepping up their own |
| Stress at work, financial worries, insecurity about your | | | | demands--virtually guaranteeing that neither is being |
| own skills, abilities or looks are all individual issues that | | | | heard by the other. Each feels misunderstood and |
| impact the relationship. Many people get irritable or | | | | unimportant to the other. |
| emotionally withdrawn as they seek to deal with the | | | | This is a picture of a couple in conflict that are still |
| internal issues that are bothering them, instead of being | | | | engaging, and trying to find solutions to their marital |
| able to reach for help from their spouse. | | | | problems. On the other hand, many couples stop |
| Ideally, a marriage is a place where you can talk about | | | | engaging in problem solving, and in arguing as well. |
| the issues that are bothering you and allow your | | | | Some couples come into counseling as a last-ditch |
| partner to listen, accept your feelings, and love you. | | | | effort to save a marriage that one or both, have little |
| Often the marriage is not a place where this can | | | | motivation left to work on. They seem to have run out |
| happen. Sometimes this is because there are | | | | of energy and desire to try to change things. Perhaps |
| relationship difficulties that get in the way of the | | | | they, (one or both) have felt unloved for a long time, |
| partners being able to be the spouse that they might | | | | and have stopped caring that that has happened. |
| like to be. Many relationship issues that bring couples | | | | Perhaps they have tried to solve problems and issues |
| into counseling involve unresolved conflicts. Often | | | | for a long time and have accepted the partner as s/he |
| when partners try to resolve conflicts, because they | | | | is, and have accepted the relationship as it for a long |
| don't quite know how to do that, they make matters | | | | time. Eventually, one may decide that it is time to |
| worse with dirty fight tactics, with escalating and | | | | divorce and they decide to give it one last effort. |
| withdrawing, or by refusing to confront and deal with | | | | There is little life left in this marriage but it still may be |
| conflicts. When these things happen, it makes it more | | | | saved. |
| difficult to solve the same problem, issue, or conflict the | | | | How can marriage counseling help with these |
| next time that it comes up. When it re-emerges | | | | scenarios? Practicing communication skills developed |
| feelings have been hurt, partners have the expectation | | | | by coaching, modeling, and risking can help create a |
| that they will not be able to resolve it, and may expect | | | | trustworthy environment where you can once again |
| argument or additional conflict. The more frustrated | | | | feel the love that has been weighted down by the |
| that partners get the angrier and more resentful they | | | | resentment, hurt, and anger. Marital counseling can help |
| become. After awhile a climate of hostility can develop | | | | to produce an environment of safety where you can |
| and spouses begin to look at each other through "mad | | | | once again experience hope and restore |
| colored" glasses. | | | | self-confidence in getting your message to your |
| Communication can move away from intimate sharing | | | | beloved. You can feel relieved of the compulsion to |
| between two people who love each other into a tense | | | | "be understood" and can once again work "to |
| environment of resentment and/or punishment. | | | | understand your partner. You can return to feeling |
| Sometimes there is a reciprocal pattern of feeling hurt | | | | loved, cherished, and important. Marriage counseling |
| and punishing. With feeling hurt and angry it is no | | | | can help you avoid divorce and help you rekindle the |
| wonder that spouses are resistant to do "nice" things | | | | love and romance you crave. Even the lifeless, |
| for each other, or to offer acceptance of the other | | | | disengaged relationship can often be revitalized. The |
| person. Many couples begin to operate out of a sense | | | | counselor can't do this, but with his or her guidance and |
| of scarcity and take a self-centered stance of "what's | | | | teaching, you and your spouse can accomplish these |
| in it for me". They may take a defensive posture and | | | | things together. |