| Commitment is a funny word. The first definition in the | | | | where you're likely to fail, why others are laughing (or |
| Encarta® World English Dictionary describes it as | | | | sneering) at you, how suspicious or angry you should |
| something that takes up time or energy - not a very | | | | be. And they will insist that you must take things |
| appealing proposition. The third definition says it's an | | | | personally. They yank on our need to know ourselves |
| activity that cannot be avoided. Yikes! The fifth | | | | as significant, to know that we matter to our beloved |
| definition refers to the act of confinement to a mental | | | | (heck, to anyone) - sending us into spasms of worry |
| health facility. No wonder commitment within | | | | and concern. This drama creates an illusion of |
| relationships is so tricky! | | | | importance, but let's get real: do we really want to |
| Only the second definition speaks to what we tend to | | | | measure our significance by whether or not our |
| mean when couples talk about commitment: devotion | | | | spouse is grouchy today? |
| or dedication to a person or relationship. So, how do | | | | In reality, taking things personally distorts our |
| we wade through the other possibilities and make | | | | perceptions, wildly inflates our worst fears, and keeps |
| devotion and dedication the cornerstone of our bonds? | | | | us endlessly distracted from what really matters as |
| Let's start by looking at the negative experiences of | | | | we try to read meaning into irrelevant details. |
| "commitment:" we're losing energy, feeling trapped, | | | | The truth is: what your loved one does has |
| maybe acting a little crazy. How did we get there? All | | | | astonishingly little to do with you. And that's good news! |
| too often, it's by taking things personally. You know the | | | | There are so many things that affect how any one of |
| drill: your wife comes home grumpy from work and | | | | us behaves. There's our upbringing, our culture, our |
| somehow it feels like it's your fault. Your boyfriend is | | | | personality, and our past experiences. There's the time |
| stressed about a deadline, and you find yourself | | | | of day, the time of the month, and the influence of the |
| walking around on tiptoe. Your lover trips over the | | | | stars. There's the music we're listening to, the news |
| coffee table and you apologize. After another fight | | | | we just heard, or whether or not we have a |
| with your partner, you're wondering if maybe you're | | | | headache. (And this, as you well know, is not an |
| just no good at this relationship thing. | | | | exhaustive list!) |
| We can fall prey to taking things personally in any | | | | When we keep this in mind, it's much easier to |
| arena, but it's especially insidious in love relationships. | | | | remember why we're in this relationship in the first |
| We know this person better than anyone in the world, | | | | place. Chances are that you've chosen intimacy |
| right? So, of course we can tell just how much their | | | | because you're interested in who your partner is - |
| actions or reactions are really about us. But in reality | | | | what is going on for them, what motivates them, how |
| we typically far overestimate our own impact - and in | | | | they see and experience the world. What if instead of |
| doing so, we sow the seeds of our own hesitancy to | | | | taking your loved one's actions personally you paused |
| commit. By taking responsibility for their reactions, we | | | | and asked the question: "What else could be going on |
| inflate our own sense of importance and responsibility, | | | | here?" Now you no longer have your back against the |
| but at the same time we create a losing proposition: | | | | wall, wondering how you ever got yourself into this |
| why would we sign up for being permanently | | | | relationship and where the nearest exit is. Instead, |
| responsible for every peevish partner mood, every | | | | you've asked an important question about someone |
| unfortunate incident, every failed communication or | | | | you care about. |
| relationship snag? | | | | Devotion is being authentically interested in that |
| How do we get ourselves into this way of thinking? | | | | answer. Dedication is being an honest companion, able |
| Well, imagine a board meeting where all your worst | | | | to listen, support and challenge them in the places |
| insecurities have gathered to figure out how you | | | | where their reality meets yours. Commitment gets a |
| should be running your life. Let's call them The Board of | | | | whole lot easier from there. |
| Mis-Directors. They'll tell you what you did wrong, | | | | |