| [9:00 AM] The step-mother shrugs as she is backing | | | | The start of a solution for the children of divorce may |
| out of my office, apparently resigning her duties for the | | | | best be found in the response of Barbara Cochran, a |
| hour to me, the child's counselor. | | | | counselor of Community Counseling Services. "Parents |
| Briefly observing the girl for a moment to gauge her | | | | don't divorce their children." she asserts. |
| status; I notice that the eleven-year old, slumped down | | | | For example, parents may mistakenly associate their |
| in her seat, will not return my look. I can't recognize if | | | | children with the failed marriage. In cases like these, the |
| she has any more bandages over her wrists, hands or | | | | father or mother are only building walls that make |
| neck since last week. She might be cutting herself in | | | | relationships with their children difficult, or perhaps even |
| the same places. Or, she may have finally found a | | | | impossible. Cochran explains, "I tell the parents that if |
| better way to vent her anger. | | | | they still have issues with each other, try to keep the |
| [1:30 PM] I wonder if this is becoming a pointless | | | | children out of it." |
| exercise. Every time the mother leaves her five | | | | In a divorce, the connections between the adults are |
| year-old daughter with me, the girl simply throws a fit- | | | | radically changed, from a marital relationship, to a |
| -just like this! They must hear her crying throughout the | | | | parenting-partner relationship. Therefore, the lines of |
| whole building. And there's her mom, coming back and | | | | communication must also change. No longer should the |
| bawling as well. | | | | couple talk about old disagreements and problems |
| We need to find a different way to meet, but she has | | | | between them. Exchanges like these are based on |
| become so insecure since her parents divorced. | | | | what went wrong in their marriage. After the divorce, |
| [4:00 PM] I watch him looking at the book titles on my | | | | their conversations need to be focused on their |
| shelf. Perhaps he is gaining interest in child psychology. | | | | children. Each parent talks with his or her children, and |
| He certainly is getting the first-hand experience. | | | | either parent can talk with the other parent, but only |
| However, I notice that his gaze is fixed only on the | | | | about matters pertaining specifically to the children and |
| picture of my son. | | | | their care. There must be cooperation for the sake of |
| "Yours?" he asks. | | | | the children. |
| When I answer in the affirmative, he turns to me only | | | | Cochran described children responding to conflict in |
| to say, "So how long you keeping him?" | | | | their parents' divorce in very different manners. Some |
| These three examples from a counselors' day allow | | | | act out with delinquent or violent behavior and an |
| the reader to view some effects of divorces when | | | | uncontrolled anger; others simply isolate themselves |
| the separations are not being handled well for the | | | | and fall into depression, substance abuse or frequent |
| children. | | | | headaches, accidents or injuries. She also showed |
| While it is commonly held that about one-half of all | | | | how children in homes of great conflict do not interact |
| marriages are ending in divorce, the less familiar | | | | well with others, or have trouble with school. "The |
| number would be how many children are being | | | | bottom line," Cochran says, "is that children need both |
| affected. Newsweek stated recently that as many as | | | | parents." |
| 1 million American children each year experience their | | | | "All children experience problems in adjusting to |
| parents' divorce. Moreover, "these children are twice | | | | divorce. Many children fear being abandoned or |
| as likely as their peers to get divorced themselves and | | | | replaced, guilty that they are somehow responsible, |
| more likely to have mental health problems" (April 21, | | | | and very anxious about what is going to happen," she |
| 2008, pp. 48,49). | | | | adds. |
| Measuring the impact more clearly, the National Institute | | | | Children of divorce need someone with whom they |
| of Mental Health shows, in "Preventive Sessions After | | | | can talk, and that may not be their parents. From the |
| Divorce Protect Children into Teens," that although | | | | children's point of view, they may avoid sharing |
| most children are able to handle the divorce, a quarter | | | | everything with their parents simply because they do |
| of teens have serious difficulties in adapting to the new | | | | not want to add to the parents' problems. |
| relationship ( In "Coping with Divorce," the author directs | | | | Nevertheless, "one of the most powerful tips is to set |
| parents to realize that, "Your attitude shapes your | | | | aside 10 to 15 minutes a day for each of your children," |
| children's attitude." The parents "words and actions" | | | | since a primary cause for behavioral problems is the |
| strongly shape a child's development through the | | | | lack of communication between the parents and their |
| period of trauma related to the divorce ( | | | | children (Parents Are Forever, 30). |