| I recently heard from a wife who was beyond | | | | a nag and as a negative influence in his life that he |
| frustrated. Since losing his job eight months ago, her | | | | wanted to get rid off (or at least get some space |
| husband had slipped into a deep depression and had | | | | from.) I suspected that if the wife continued to push, |
| begun to distance himself from her, his family, his | | | | this was only going to reinforce his negative |
| friends, and the things that used to bring him peace | | | | perceptions. So, I felt that because of this, the wife |
| and joy. Basically, he had sunk into a deep depression | | | | should place her focus on where she could succeed |
| and the only one that he seemed to enjoy being | | | | and on where she could begin to change the |
| around was the family dog. | | | | perceptions. |
| He was unable to see this though. He denied that | | | | And this might mean taking a few steps back so that |
| anything was really wrong. He had no problem | | | | she could take several steps forward eventually. I felt |
| admitting that losing his job had been difficult, but the | | | | that she should try changing course and sitting her |
| more the wife brought up the depression, the more he | | | | husband down and telling him that she missed the |
| pulled away. He had begun to insinuate that the | | | | closeness and the light hearted fun the two of them |
| problem was his wife and their marriage and had | | | | used to have. And, that although she knew that money |
| started to hint that maybe they should separate. | | | | was tight and that sometimes things didn't feel |
| The wife felt very strongly that all of this separation | | | | celebratory, there was really no reason whatsoever |
| talk was the depression talking and not her husband. | | | | that the two of them couldn't schedule more fun and |
| She had been campaigning for the both of them to go | | | | happiness in their lives. |
| to counseling, but of course the husband resisted this. | | | | Many of the things they used to enjoy together did not |
| The wife wanted to know how she could make the | | | | cost a thing. They loved taking their dog on walks at |
| husband see that all of the issues that they were | | | | the dog park. They loved rollerblading on a trail by their |
| having was due to his job loss and his depression. I will | | | | home and they loved photography. But they hadn't |
| tell you what I told her in the following article. | | | | been doing much of any of those things lately. |
| The Depression Likely Is A Big Issue, But You Have | | | | However, the wife was going to make clear that job |
| To Play With The Cards That You've Been Dealt: I | | | | or no job and depression or no depression, she |
| completely agreed with the wife that it was highly likely | | | | wanted to bring some light hearted fun back into their |
| that the husband's job loss had triggered a sense of | | | | lives to lighten their loads. This would be true no matter |
| loss and mourning and had brought on the depression, | | | | what the future held. |
| which was in turn clouding his perceptions about most | | | | Lead By Example: It was pretty clear that the husband |
| everything in his life. | | | | was not willing to see a mental health specialist or |
| This loss of security likely brought about feelings of | | | | counselor right now. But, nothing said that the wife |
| insecurity and incompetence. He probably felt | | | | could not go on her own. And nothing said that the |
| vulnerable in a way that felt very uncomfortable and | | | | wife had to depend on the husband for her own |
| new to him. And, it's quite understandable that | | | | happiness. Sometimes, if you lead by example and |
| depression and sadness would follow this and seem to | | | | demonstrate success at the things you want from him, |
| make everything in his life seem off kilter and just | | | | he will eventually follow suit. I felt strongly that if she |
| wrong. | | | | sought counseling alone and portrayed it as something |
| But, when the wife brought this up, he was of course | | | | that was greatly helping her and was not at all difficult |
| resistant because he did not like someone pointing out | | | | or painful, then the husband would be much more likely |
| his continued vulnerabilities and losses. It was very | | | | to eventually get with the program, especially if he was |
| unlikely (at least in my opinion) that if the wife kept | | | | able to see first hand how much happier she was and |
| going on her current tract, he would one day see that | | | | how much easier to be around she was as the result. |
| she was right and accept that he needed help. This | | | | When he was able to equate getting help with an |
| was the best case scenario of course, but it wasn't | | | | improvement in his life and a lessening of tension |
| likely to happen in the way that she was handling it | | | | rather than making things worse and opening up his |
| now. I felt that it could happen however, with another | | | | faults and vulnerabilities, then he would be much more |
| plan. | | | | likely to see it with an open mind. Men are often afraid |
| Focus On Succeeding Where You Can: Right now, the | | | | of this process because they are so afraid that it's |
| wife really had two major problems. The first was the | | | | going to paint them in a negative light or to show them |
| husband's depression. However, he was still resisting | | | | as weak or vulnerable. When you show by example |
| admitting any problem with this and so the wife | | | | and show that this isn't true (and you're connecting on |
| continuing to push was likely only going to make him | | | | a more regular basis at the same time) you are much |
| more and more resistant, at least at first. | | | | more likely to get him to go along with what you know |
| The second problem that the wife had was the | | | | will help you both. |
| husband's perceptions. He was currently seeing her as | | | | |