| Divorce is never a happy time, but anger and conflict | | | | conflict. |
| can heighten the pain and stress even further. I've | | | | Instead, just take a deep breath, say nothing for a |
| never had a couple come into my office saying that | | | | minute and then proceed with what you were saying |
| they are looking for ways to make the divorce as | | | | to begin with. If you need to, walk away - calmly and |
| unfriendly and painful as possible. On the contrary, | | | | quietly. |
| couples come in saying that they want the divorce to | | | | In some ways, conflict is a replacement for the |
| be amicable and anger free. | | | | intimacy the two of you used to share. That might |
| How, then, do couples get locked into conflict that | | | | seem perverse to you, but it's only natural that one or |
| prevents them from achieving their goal of a | | | | both of you wants to keep an emotional connection |
| harmonious divorce? How do they perpetuate that | | | | between you. And conflict is a connection, however |
| conflict, even while wishing it would go away? | | | | negative. When viewed in this way, you can see that |
| Conflict cannot happen in a vacuum. When one person | | | | the conflict is a kind of game people play. When one |
| gets angry and acts out, it only turns into conflict if the | | | | of you provokes the other (be honest, sometimes it's |
| other person reacts. That reaction provides the | | | | you) that person is trying to light a spark between the |
| necessary fuel for the anger to thrive and grow. If the | | | | two of you. When the other person reacts, the spark |
| other person does not react to the anger or behavior, | | | | is lit and the game is afoot. |
| it will eventually die from starvation. | | | | It's time to break the negative connection between you |
| Stepping away and not reacting to someone else's | | | | and build a pattern of interaction that reflects your |
| anger can be really hard. But if you truly want the | | | | separateness from each other. All it takes is for one |
| conflict to stop, one of you has to start the stopping. It | | | | of you to stop reacting. |
| might as well be you! | | | | NOTE: Domestic violence is NOT a game. This article |
| So take control of the situation. If the other person calls | | | | does not relate to conflict where domestic violence is |
| you names or accuses you of something, your natural | | | | or has been involved. Please consult legal and/or |
| reaction is to defend yourself or call names and | | | | mental health specialists immediately if violence or |
| accuse in return. Don't! When you really think about it, | | | | abuse is threatened or occurring. |
| what does that accomplish? That will only fuel the | | | | |