| What about it? Can each of us tell ourselves the truth | | | | My "Dose of Dell" about guilt just like any other |
| about what the holidays do for us and to us? Most of | | | | powerful emotion is that it should not make decisions |
| us will admit there is both good and not so good each | | | | for us. In the case of guilt you only need enough of it |
| year as we approach the "happiest time of the year". | | | | to keep your clothes on in public! The rest is useless. |
| Much of the distasteful part of the holidays has to do | | | | My clients Sara and Jim had spent the last ten years |
| with experiences that we may have had that were | | | | driving hours to spend Christmas with their families with |
| negative and anxiety-ridden. The most common | | | | both sides vying for their precious holiday time. Their |
| holiday errors start with the over-everything syndrome: | | | | children who are now eight and ten had never |
| over-eating, over-spending, over-obligating, over-time | | | | experience Christmas in their own home but were |
| with family members. If we have a tendency to "lose | | | | certainly beginning to ask why. Their parents had no |
| ourselves" in everyday life we will certainly do it more | | | | real answers except that "this is what we do at |
| in the holiday season. Most of you know my classic | | | | Christmas". With some help Jim and Sara decided to |
| definition of stress. It is the distance I am from who I | | | | tell the parents the truth. They really enjoyed |
| am. The more I forget my needs and focus on others | | | | Christmas with them and wish they could all be |
| the more distance I get from what is important to me | | | | together however; it was time to establish new rituals |
| and what I need. | | | | and begin Christmas in their own home. This took |
| Of course the holidays are for giving but if we are lost | | | | courage and a hard look at the decisions guilt and |
| in the shuffle of overdoing for others we become | | | | obligation were making for them |
| stressed and unable to enjoy this time of the year for | | | | Watch yourself if you are doing things because of guilt, |
| ourselves. | | | | in the name of others and rationalizing or justifying your |
| As a mental health specialist I often find myself | | | | decisions. No one you love wants you to always put |
| exploring the holiday blues with some of my clients. | | | | your own needs on the back burner or to go into debt |
| Sometimes our journey takes us to childhood | | | | to give them the right gift. Even though they may |
| memories of parents and siblings having difficult times | | | | "guilt-trip" you into doing it their way, it is still your |
| during the holidays. Sometimes it is about financial | | | | responsibility to break out of the guilt trap and make a |
| struggles, marital struggles between parents, alcoholism | | | | different game plan. Decisions made out of guilt and |
| or other painful memories. If this is the case then the | | | | obligation are a setup for holiday happiness destruction. |
| past can be affecting the present even if we have a | | | | Give yourself a good guilt make over. Get help if you |
| hard time identifying the connection. If the holidays | | | | need it but stop the guilt treadmill if you want to enjoy |
| have been painful or depressing, it is time to change | | | | the holidays. |
| the pattern and have some fun. Here are some tips | | | | * Settle for what is good enough: |
| for enjoying the season. | | | | So we might not have the perfect Christmas but what |
| * Invest in experiences not things: | | | | about a good enough Christmas? If you design your |
| Do you know what you want for the holidays? I don't | | | | ideal holiday and then scale down to what is good |
| mean gifts. I mean what is going to make you feel | | | | enough you might find yourself able to stop and enjoy |
| good? Rarely does the gift feel as good as the | | | | the holiday journey. If you are a perfectionist this will be |
| experience. I am reminded of a Christmas my son and | | | | hard. |
| I spent skiing in the mountains of Colorado. As a child it | | | | Can you tell your family and friends the truth about |
| was one of his favorite things to do around the | | | | your limitations of time, money, or other resources such |
| holidays and mine as well. We packed our things and | | | | as your energy, your desires, your own interests? Can |
| met a friend at the slopes. We arrived on Christmas | | | | you find a way to put yourself at the top of the list in |
| Eve with our bags loaded with gifts and tree | | | | the holiday planning? |
| decorations. We promptly went to the local market | | | | I wanted to make a special holiday dip to take to my |
| and bought a tree and set it up in our condo. Our | | | | hostess' house for Thanksgiving dinner. At the last |
| Christmas day was spent opening presents, watching | | | | minute on Thanksgiving morning I found myself running |
| beautiful hot air balloons out our condo window, skiing, | | | | around in a frenzy looking for the last of the ingredients |
| and having a Christmas dinner over looking the | | | | to make the dip. Nothing was really open that had the |
| mountains and a Colorado sunset. I can't help but smile | | | | specialty items I needed. I stopped myself and had to |
| when I remember that special time. | | | | laugh at my craziness! I went home and made a copy |
| Review your most memorable holidays and spend a | | | | of the recipe and gave it to my host telling her that I |
| little time crafting your perfect holiday before it starts. | | | | really wanted to show up with it but didn't. The |
| This will minimize the disappointments and help you to | | | | experience was a very small reminder of the up and |
| create the happy holiday for real. | | | | coming Christmas season and how easily we can get |
| * Give the guilt meter a kick in the backside: | | | | into the frenzy. We need to settle for what is good |
| I would venture to say that most people do not even | | | | enough. |
| know what guilt is. If you find yourself spending too | | | | It is easy to get caught up in the frenzy of the holiday |
| much, giving too much, having visits with the family too | | | | moment without thinking through what will matter in the |
| much, or just being overwhelmed and tired with too | | | | big picture. Will the spending be a burden on you later? |
| many obligations, ask yourself if it is guilt that is driving | | | | Will the gift be forgotten in the midst of all the others? |
| your behavior. | | | | Will you live with regret in the months to come? |
| Sometimes I can't believe the magnitude of personal | | | | Train yourself to see into the future. Happiness is |
| decisions that individuals allow guilt to make for them! | | | | sometimes not about short term gratification but about |
| Understand that guilt is an emotion and that is all it is. | | | | long term lack of regret. Give yourself and those you |
| We should always explore our emotions to see if we | | | | love the gift of a good enough (not perfect!) holiday |
| are allowing them to be in the decision making seat. | | | | season, one that ensures happiness in the long term. |