| Sometimes you're giving someone a piece of advise | | | | seriously consider the following question: |
| that seems obvious to you and yet they stubbornly | | | | * Do I identify with my world view? |
| decline to follow it. Other times you're 100% sure that | | | | * Do I derive my sense of self from the accuracy of |
| you're right in a discussion or argument and yet the | | | | my opinion and effectiveness of my advise? |
| other participants remain blinded to your point of view. | | | | * Do I seek validation through my opinion or advise |
| If you're expressing yourself publicly like me, those | | | | being accepted by the other person? |
| situations come in a larger scale. Do you experience | | | | * Would I take it even a bit personally if my ideas or |
| extreme frustration in such moments? If so, then you | | | | advise got rejected harshly? |
| don't understand the real purpose behind giving advise | | | | Those are variations of the same question. If your |
| and sharing your point of view. You mistake it for | | | | answer is a firm 'no, no way' to all of them, then you |
| manipulating and trying to change the other purpose. It's | | | | already intuitively grasp the true purpose of giving |
| true even if you think it's for their own good. | | | | advise. You can already go out and share your best |
| There is a thin and delicate line between empowering | | | | with others without getting defensive when rejected. |
| and inspiring somebody to do their best and getting | | | | This article can still hold some knowledge for you |
| defensive about your ideas being rejected for one | | | | though, so sit tight. |
| reason or another. It lays, where you start identifying | | | | If your answer to one of these questions is 'yes' or |
| with your opinion and take things personal. This article | | | | 'weeell... it depends...' then the answer is 'yes' to all four |
| will help you to see this line. The new empowering | | | | versions. Each of them reframes the same problem. |
| beliefs that you're offered to adopt will ensure that you | | | | Different words work for different people so I wanted |
| rarely cross it. Each time you cross it while giving out | | | | to make sure you understand the question properly. In |
| advise, you build resentment towards those that reject | | | | this case, I suggest you to challenge your current |
| it. The sooner you stop, the better. Your advise given | | | | beliefs and come up with more empowering ones - |
| without a need for validation from the other person will | | | | those that won't create conflicts with those you care |
| become much less intimidating to take. | | | | about. I will guide you through the process if you let me. |
| This article works wonders with parent-children and | | | | Change your beliefs |
| teacher-student relationships. By far too many parents | | | | Now that you want to change your attitude towards |
| don't really understand what it means to give children | | | | sharing advise, let's change it! There is only one |
| advise. The so famous rebellions amongst teenagers | | | | primary distinction you need to make and everything |
| often come from defensiveness of one side over his | | | | else will fall into place. You must stop identifying with |
| her opinion. Under the excuse of taking care of their | | | | current world view. |
| child they enforce their world view onto him. This does | | | | If you make this one distinction, not only intellectually, |
| wrong both for their relationship and child's growth. If | | | | but also intuitively, the right attitude will automatically |
| you are a parent or a rebellious kind of child, I strongly | | | | follow. Once you get a gut-level understanding of what |
| recommend you read this article and give those ideas | | | | I mean by not identifying with it, everything else falls |
| serious consideration. | | | | into place. |
| Life is about going into the unknown and making | | | | Every bit of an argument comes from you identifying |
| mistakes until it becomes known. It's true that | | | | with your opinion. When it is rejected, you feel rejected. |
| sometimes the learning process can be eased up by | | | | When you defend it, you defend yourself. If it is |
| some advise. But what's the point of putting me into a | | | | considered worthless, your sense of self is diminished. |
| jet plane and flying over the jungle just to save me a | | | | If you perceive your advise as something you |
| few wounds? I want to go through the jungle, scratch | | | | temporarily assume as true, the need to defend it and |
| and sweat myself through the adventures and go out | | | | validate it disappears. It's just a creation of your mind, |
| on the other end, stronger than ever. And nobody is | | | | which has nothing to do with who you really are. You |
| going to stop me from pursuing adventure and growth. | | | | don't really mind whether it's rejected or accepted. |
| The decision is always mine to make and nobody has | | | | You don't seek any personal validation through sharing |
| the right to interfere with it. If you want to help, by all | | | | it. You just want to contribute something to the other |
| means create more options for me - I'll gladly consider | | | | person. You want to offer, not to push. |
| them and still choose the one I want. Thanks for | | | | You might as well be wrong |
| offering the plane tickets, really, but I'd rather walk that | | | | Always keep in mind that you are probably wrong. |
| fly. Stop trying to persuade me already and go offer | | | | Your dearest truths will be considered completely false |
| the safe flight to someone who needs it. Perhaps you'll | | | | in a year, ten years, hundred years or thousand years. |
| find a person that has been fiercely advised to go | | | | Think about it. Didn't you have those silly beliefs in your |
| through the jungle, while he just wants to fly safely to | | | | childhood? Was it Santa Claus, Boogey Man or Mister |
| the other end. As soon as you offer him that option, | | | | Poo? Didn't you make fun of those peers that |
| he'll take it gratefully without your encouragement. | | | | rejected your current beliefs? Are you now a |
| Note the distinction described in this funky metaphor. If | | | | grown-up version of that child? Do you make fun of |
| you want to help somebody - give him advise and | | | | your peers that don't believe in Law of Attraction or |
| therefore create other options for him. You might think | | | | NLP? Do you make fun of those who do believe in |
| that you've created an option better than the one he's | | | | them? Hopefully you're smarter than that. As a |
| chosen. Yet, you have no right to choose differently | | | | grown-up you understand that it's pointless to get |
| for him. You've already helped by giving him the choice. | | | | defensive about any belief or opinion. You can always |
| It is his to make, not yours. You can't feel responsible | | | | be wrong, and even if you're not - you respect the |
| for somebody else's decisions. You can only feel | | | | right of other person to be wrong because we all are |
| responsible if you could, but have not given him the | | | | most of the times and it's fine. |
| chance to consider your option. | | | | Look at the larger scale now. People used to think that |
| As soon as you start interfering with the other | | | | Earth is flat. Flat! FLAT! Can you imagine? Hell, there's |
| person's decision, you stop sincerely helping them. It | | | | more to it than that. They BURNED people ALIVE just |
| becomes a mostly selfish act of your ego trying to | | | | for ASSUMING that it MIGHT be wrong! Saying that |
| validate itself. You derive your sense of completion | | | | they got defensive about a false theory is quite an |
| from the value of your ideas and when you get | | | | understatement, isn't it? Especially for my poor |
| rejected, you somehow feel diminished, personally | | | | countryman Copernicus. If so many people were |
| rejected. You get defensive, as if itwas some kind of | | | | certain enough to burn others alive for doubting them, |
| a personal insult. You don't want to make the other | | | | and they were wrong - how can you be sure of |
| person to agree with your ideas, but to agree with you. | | | | anything? Same goes for Christians slaying |
| Why would you take the rejection so personally and | | | | non-believers and inquisitors hunting witches. Will |
| put somebody under pressure? It's because you | | | | bloggers in 100 years write that same goes for all the |
| identify with your beliefs and you need to validate | | | | current mess around terrorists? Who can tell? |
| them. During the argument you even forgot that you | | | | How to operate in this world when you know you're |
| started out with an intent to help. It's seriously hurting | | | | probably wrong? Let go of any need to defend your |
| your relationships. It definitely isn't the right thing to do. | | | | beliefs and to make others wrong. Instead, assume |
| But it unfortunately is a common thing people do. | | | | that you're probably wrong but that's the best you can |
| Why people say no? | | | | come up with. Share your opinion with others and |
| Offer ten people a donut and some of them will take it, | | | | enjoy it being challenged by them.With each fallacy |
| while others won't. Why the hell is that? Weird, isn't it? | | | | they uncover in your thinking, they bring you closer to |
| You offered them the very same donuts, right? Give it | | | | truth. It doesn't make you careless or passive. It's just |
| a thought :) | | | | the best you can do considering the subjective nature |
| Whether your advise gets accepted or rejected is a | | | | of the universe. There's no truth you need to protect |
| matter of compatibility. It doesn't determine its value or | | | | and get defensive about. Embrace your wrongness, |
| correctness. People take advise that is aligned with | | | | there's nothing wrong about it. |
| their values, congruent with their beliefs and leads them | | | | Your beliefs are not part of you |
| to manifestation of their current desires. Shortly | | | | Your beliefs are separate from your true identity. They |
| speaking, they take what they need. If they don't need | | | | temporarily define your ego, but your true self is |
| your advise, find someone who does. | | | | deeper then the egoic mind. Follow the simple rule of |
| Don't sweat yourself out trying to push a round block | | | | thumb here: If you can perceive it, be aware of it, |
| through the rectangular hole. Forcing somebody to | | | | describe it accurately with words, you are not it! |
| accept your opinion isn't going to increase its value or | | | | You are not your name, mind, body, ideas, world view. |
| ensure it's trueness. It doesn't contribute anything to the | | | | You have those things. They're temporary tools that |
| other person either. Quite the opposite, it takes away | | | | you use while interacting with this world. Who |
| their right to choose what to accept and what to | | | | perceives your beliefs? You do. The real you beyond |
| discard. | | | | the egoic mind. If you can be aware of it, how can you |
| The value of your ideas is never diminished by other | | | | be it? You cannot be it and perceive it at once. |
| people when they reject it. It doesn't mean you're | | | | Therefore your world view is a part of the identity |
| wrong. It just means they're not compatible with your | | | | assumed by your mind. It claims that you are a |
| opinion. In simpler words: it isn't wrong, it's just not for | | | | Christian, you are a psychologist, you are an |
| them. It's never personal. Even if their excuse for not | | | | experienced person, you are a successful |
| accepting it can sound personal, they are rejecting | | | | businessman. This really has nothing to do with who |
| your idea, not you. Don't identify yourself with the idea. | | | | you really are. That's just a temporary part of your |
| It's never about you. | | | | assumed identity. |
| Empowering inspiration vs pushy neediness | | | | If you can perceive time, then your true self is timeless. |
| One can argue that motivating someone to change for | | | | If you can observe your beliefs changing, you are not |
| better is a crucial part of helping him. Giving out advise | | | | them. How else would you stay the same when all |
| passively, in a detached manner isn't going to influence | | | | your world view turned around. When you were a |
| his life positively as much as coaching him passionately | | | | child, you were still you. Now you are you just the |
| towards the success. I personally do that sort of thing | | | | same, yet your assumed identity has completely |
| on this very blog! My articles are never pure | | | | changed. |
| knowledge. Some are even more motivational than | | | | Feel the change |
| educational in nature. | | | | I want you now to write down a belief that you |
| Would you force a suicidal person to go to the mental | | | | consider 100% true. Best would be the one you tend |
| clinic? Or would you offer him a chance to go there | | | | to get a little defensive about. Instead of stating it in |
| and calmly watch him make his decision of flying over | | | | first person, disassociate with it. Write it as "one might |
| the roof towards the better world? Most of us would | | | | think that..." or "i've heard that...". Does it feel different |
| rather do the former. We'd even feel guilty if we failed | | | | when you state it that way? All the need to prove it |
| to convince him by force to get a therapist. | | | | right is gone, isn't it? The content is identical, yet the |
| Empowering and inspiring your friends is amongst the | | | | perspective has changed completely. This is how you |
| best ways in which you can help them. You have to | | | | want to feel about all your beliefs - as if it was |
| be careful though. The moment when you start taking | | | | something totally separate from you. This is the |
| their resistance personally is the moment when you | | | | attitude that you should take when giving advise. |
| stop helping them. Sometimes it can be hard to catch | | | | To condition this state, write down those ideas that |
| yourself in that moment. Let's modify your beliefs a | | | | you really want to prove to people. Disassociate with |
| little to make sure you never cross that line. | | | | them totally. Once you're done, evaluate them |
| Inspiring others means raising their spirit and giving them | | | | objectively, the same way you evaluate something |
| strength to choose the path they're most aligned with. | | | | you read somewhere or hear from a stranger. |
| Never mistake it with stubbornly trying to convince | | | | Evaluate as if the idea was completely neutral to you |
| them to choose the path that you think is right. You're | | | | from the start and there were no prejudices |
| supposed to strengthen their ability to choose right, not | | | | connected to its origin. |
| take that ability away by choosing for them. And it | | | | I don't want to change you |
| really doesn't matter if you would make the right | | | | I often tell people straight-off: 'I don't want you to think |
| choice - you have no right to make it for them. If you | | | | that I'm trying to change, correct or fix you here. I just |
| sincerely want to help, you will support them regardless | | | | think my point of view would be valuable to you, even |
| of their choice. Your support will empower them to | | | | if you disagree with it.'. People react very positively to |
| choose better. Better doesn't always mean the same | | | | it. They feel relieved. By saying this I grant them |
| choice you would make, but as a good friend you will | | | | permission to freely consider my point of view without |
| cheer them up anyways. | | | | any judgment on my side. |
| The true purpose of sharing ideas with others | | | | When I tell people right away that I'm not going to get |
| The true purpose of sharing an opinion is to give the | | | | defensive about it, it's quite a refreshing assurance for |
| other person a chance to consider it. This allows them | | | | them to hear. This actually makes them more |
| to confront their opinion with yours. Regardless of the | | | | receptive to those ideas. They know that I don't seek |
| outcome of the confrontation, he will come out of it | | | | validation here, I just honestly share the best of me. |
| more knowledgeable. You've helped, whether you | | | | This awareness makes them lower their shields. I think |
| have convinced him or not. | | | | their reaction is something like: 'Cool, I can consider his |
| The true purpose of sharing advise is to give the other | | | | point of view without changing myself - no strings |
| person a different option to consider. He will then, out | | | | attached. I can safely immerse in his belief system for |
| of his two options, pick the one more aligned with him. | | | | a while and then, if I don't like it, he won't be offended if |
| More aligned option out of two possible is always | | | | I just dump it. It sounds safe enough to give it a serious |
| better than having one option to choose from. | | | | consideration. This doesn't smell like an argument or |
| The true purpose of encouraging others is to give | | | | confrontation at all. Let's just try it and see how it looks |
| them the power they need to make a conscious | | | | from the inside!'. This is the reaction that you want to |
| choice. You empower them to make a conscious | | | | create in people. That's the amazing impact of |
| choice that is aligned with their higher self. You cheer | | | | disassociating from your ideas. |
| them up from their temporary unconsciousness so that | | | | Whether the idea is right or wrong, whether it's |
| they can make a better choice. | | | | valuable or not, if you just find it worth sharing - share |
| Before you approach others | | | | it! Share it in a positive and empowering manner, for |
| Before you give any advise or opinion out, you have to | | | | the good of all concerned! |