| Winner: | | | | me to heal me spiritually. It is not quite healing in a |
| 1. What I have | | | | christian way, just healing using the spirits that help her. |
| 2. Makes thing happen | | | | In one such session some major thing happened, she |
| 3. How can I become | | | | had her hands on my head and suddenly I felt a very |
| 4. Looks at the positive | | | | sharp pain in my neck that felt exactly like a string |
| 5. Finds ways | | | | pulled through my neck. When we talked afterwards, |
| 6. Acknowledges responsibility | | | | my mother and me, she told me that she had had the |
| 7. Takes guidance | | | | feeling that she was pulling some strings with dark |
| 8. Always sees wins ahead | | | | filthy things tangled in it from my neck, exactly what I |
| 9. Listens more | | | | had felt! Then at every session I went to I always got |
| 10. Creates goals for him/herself | | | | this sharp pain in my neck at some time. Then I started |
| 11. Learns from mistakes | | | | to go to a therapist. She was an old woman educated |
| 12. Forgives | | | | as a psychiatric nurse, but took people into therapy, |
| 13. Long distance runner, patient | | | | and someone had said to me that she really made |
| 14. Favors | | | | miracles. So I went to her and I told her my entire |
| Victim: | | | | "victim" story in details, hoping that she would be the |
| 1. What I haven't got | | | | one that would show my once and for all how sorry |
| 2. Waits for things to happen | | | | she felt for me, and that would make me happy at |
| 3. Why can't I? | | | | last. In the end of the session she leaned back and |
| 4. Focuses on the faults | | | | then she told me the truth; That I was making myself |
| 5. Finds excuses | | | | sick, that I was a much stronger personality then to |
| 6. Blames others | | | | waste my life in self-pity, and in fact I had the full |
| 7. Knows it all | | | | responsibility over all my emotions. I can't remember |
| 8. Always sees losses ahead | | | | what exactly she said but the bottom line was that I |
| 9. Talks more | | | | should stop feeling sorry for myself, stop being |
| 10. Creates obstacles for him/herself | | | | constantly a victim and it was all up to me to start to |
| 11. Looses from mistakes | | | | feel better. WOW it was a big shocker! At first I was |
| 12. Holds a grudge | | | | so angry that she didn't feel sorry for me, and I thought |
| 13. Short distance runner, burns out | | | | she was a very bad person to hurt my feelings that |
| 14. Blames | | | | way, and I was also certain that I would never ever go |
| I would never have believed that the key to live a life in | | | | to her again. |
| harmony, peace and happiness was such a simple | | | | The self deception was so great that at first I couldn't |
| thing: Not allowing myself to indulge in self-pity. I just | | | | understand why she said those things to me, and I |
| had to acknowledge that I was responsible of my own | | | | thought it was such a mean thing to do because "I |
| emotions and feelings, to look at the positive sides of | | | | couldn't help myself" feeling this way, and that she |
| everything, to have the winner attitude always in mind | | | | "didn't know me". But I went back to her because |
| in all situations, to acknowledge that it is in fact up to | | | | frankly I was so utterly tired of myself and my mess |
| you how you handle things in life. If you have the | | | | of a life. I decided to be totally open to everything she |
| winner mentality then it doesn't really matters what life | | | | said, because she was my last hope of getting out of |
| throws at you, you make problems into tasks that you | | | | this emotional pit. In all her sessions I felt the string being |
| work on and solve. It is just so much easier to look at | | | | pulled from my neck, and in the end I felt the string |
| things in a positive way, even things that frighten you, | | | | being pulled nearly everyday for weeks, and that was |
| that seem so unsolvable. It is a fact that if you don't | | | | not in sessions or with my mother, just in my normal |
| see the monster in a horror film then the film gets so | | | | day, having all the pain and darkness pulled out of me. |
| much scarier. As soon as you get to see the monster | | | | The pain in my neck was so real, it was exactly like a |
| close up it stops being so scary. The same with | | | | string with some hard, sharp, hurtful things attached to |
| problems, if you simply look at them straight in the | | | | it being pulled from my neck. I had felt when I met the |
| eyes, examine them closely, get familiar to them, then | | | | therapist for the first time that I didn't have much time |
| they stop being so scary. | | | | with her. That she wouldn't be in this line of work much |
| Empathy has never cured any personal or mental | | | | longer, because frankly she was very old. In all I think I |
| problems in anyone ever. My opinion is that I think | | | | went to 4 X 2 hour sessions and that was all I needed. |
| empathy triggers what I would like to call: behavior | | | | This woman totally changed my life and it bothers me I |
| mirrors (there is probably some fancy word for it, but | | | | couldn't thank her properly for it, because I was right, |
| this will do). That is if you get empathy from others | | | | she wasn't to be in this line of work for much longer. |
| you start to act the victim role. When you get into that | | | | She died last April of cancer but I am convinced she is |
| role you will begin to feel worse because you want to | | | | still helping people, and hopefully I will meet her when |
| reflect this idea that person has of you as being A | | | | my day comes and then I can thank her properly. |
| victim. So with every person that feels sorry for you, | | | | It took weeks and months to let the things she said |
| your victim role is strengthened and with it you throw | | | | filter through my brain and to see that it was in fact |
| away any responsibility for your own emotions and | | | | the truth, and believe me those were some hard |
| behavior. Everything you try to achieve in this victim | | | | weeks and months. Imagine having to acknowledge |
| "mode" is doomed to failure because you have to | | | | that your whole life was a lie! That the emotional pain I |
| proof for yourself constantly that you are such a | | | | was constantly suffering from was in fact self made, |
| victim that everything is destined to fail and then you | | | | and in fact something I could easily control. It sure felt I |
| have one more thing to feel sorry for yourself about | | | | had wasted my life on something worthless. But I just |
| and that strengthens even more the victim mentality in | | | | felt bad about that for a few minutes because if I felt |
| your life. | | | | bad about it then I would be nurturing the victim inside |
| The thing that is also amazing about this is that you | | | | me, so I decided to be grateful for this self deception |
| are totally oblivious about what is really going on. The | | | | because it was a life experience and made me |
| self deception is so powerful that in the end everything | | | | eventually into a better person that had gained a |
| evolves around being the ideal victim. You don't even | | | | better understanding of myself. |
| see that you are creating the problems yourself. When | | | | It sounds like all the changes came overnight but |
| you are a victim you never take responsibility for your | | | | believe me they took many months and years, |
| own feelings, behavior and mental state, you simply | | | | gradually understanding myself, understanding what the |
| blame the "others" for it if things aren't great, the | | | | "victim mode" did to me, and slowly changing my way |
| "others" are bad because they don't feel sorry enough | | | | of thinking and perceptions of things. To take control |
| for you and treat you badly. You feel the whole world | | | | over myself and my emotions took also a long time to |
| is against you, when in fact the problem starts and | | | | practice, and it is a thing I have to think about everyday |
| ends with this self deception. The lie that you have | | | | to get through the days without falling into the "victim |
| gotten so clever to tell yourself. You make yourself | | | | mode" again. The keyword is never ever never feel |
| think that you are a helpless victim to your own bad | | | | sorry for yourself!! If I allow myself to feel sorry for |
| emotions, that the depression you feel is simply | | | | myself in any situation then I automatically feel bad and |
| something that comes out of thin air and that you can't | | | | depressed after a short time. Self pity always creates |
| do anything about it. | | | | negativity, that's a simple fact, and your mind will be |
| Again I was so wrong? In the end of this "victim era" | | | | filled up with depressing, sad, negative thoughts if you |
| as I call it, I had become a part of the mental health | | | | allow yourself to indulge in self pity. |
| system. I was diagnosed having a borderline | | | | It is a fact that I haven't felt bad or depressed for a |
| personality disorder, and oh how I treasured that! It | | | | long time (I think for years) simply because I don't allow |
| was the final proof that made me into an ideal victim. | | | | myself to feel sorry for myself. There are so many |
| A mental patient. It doesn't get better then that, right!? | | | | situations that can make you feel sorry for yourself. F. |
| To have a written proof that I was suffering inside, | | | | ex. I found out why I felt sad after arguments or |
| poor me. Now I could throw away all responsibility of | | | | confrontations. The reason was that I thought the |
| my own feelings because "I couldn't help it". Instantly | | | | persons I argued with had said or done bad things to |
| after the diagnosis there came a time when I went on | | | | me so I felt sorry for myself. As soon as I was aware |
| "the quest for the holy pill" as I like to call it. Trying all | | | | of it, I stopped letting myself feel sorry for myself in |
| kinds of medicines that were supposed to "cure" me. | | | | that situation and now I don't feel sad after arguments. |
| Again I got disappointed, because I was waiting for a | | | | I think this list says it all. It gives you a clear idea what is |
| pill that I could pop and BOOM feel good instantly, no | | | | the essence in the difference of a winner and victim. I |
| strings attached. Of course there are no such pills like | | | | made the huge mistake in my life to become a victim. I |
| that, but as expected, I took the failure of getting cured | | | | thought that because I had a bad past it was |
| as another proof that I was a victim. I went on many | | | | necessary to feel sorry for myself, and because of |
| kinds of medicines anyway and became a zombie for | | | | my bad past other people should feel sorry for me 24 |
| a while. For about 3-4 years when I was on big doses | | | | 7. I really thought that if people just had enough pity for |
| of some knock out tranquilizers I had no opinion at all. I | | | | me my emotional pain would go away. If only I could |
| didn't laugh, I didn't cry, I didn't talk, I didn't feel anything. I | | | | get a person in my life that would listen to my story |
| didn't feel bad, but I didn't feel good either, frankly I didn't | | | | about my bad past and just feel sorry enough for me, |
| feel at all! The only thing I could do was to sit in front | | | | then everything would get better. When things just got |
| of the television (I guess because it is more acceptable | | | | worse I blamed the people in my life for not fulfilling |
| to stare at the TV then to stare at an empty wall) and | | | | their task of feeling sorry for me, and I remember how |
| eat and eat and eat with my brain wrapped up in pink | | | | disappointed I was that people simply wouldn't feel |
| clouds made by pills. | | | | sorry enough for me. I really hoped and craved for this |
| Then something happened. When I look back at the | | | | idealized person that would feel enough sorry for me |
| things that changed my whole life, I can see that it was | | | | and solve all my problems. I couldn't have been more |
| in fact many things that affected each other in a way | | | | wrong. The fact is that no one is capable of feeling |
| that got me on the right track. Some are even not of | | | | enough sorry for a person, simply because there is no |
| this world. It all begun when my mother laid her hands | | | | person in the world that can make things better when |
| on me. What I mean by it is that she put her hands on | | | | you are not doing anything about it yourself. |