| Recently, two new words have become very popular | | | | and succeed in whatever he or she chooses to |
| in studying the Psychology of Relationships. They are | | | | pursue. There is no antagonism, but rather mutual |
| codependence and co-commitment, which describe | | | | support and encouragement. We feel joy rather than |
| two totally different types of relationships. | | | | jealousy when the other succeeds. |
| CODEPENDENCE | | | | In co-commitment, we take 100% responsibility for our |
| Codependence describes a situation in which two | | | | reality and allow the other to do the same. We do not |
| people are dependent or addicted to each other. We | | | | expect the other to solve our problems or make us |
| lose the ability to be happy within ourselves and | | | | happy. That is our responsibility. Also we realize that |
| become dependent on each other for our feelings of | | | | we cannot make the other happy. We can help and |
| safety and self worth. Both are limited by the | | | | support each other, but cannot create the other's |
| relationship rather than helped to grow within it. | | | | reality. |
| Codependence breeds antagonism and games in | | | | MOVING FROM CO-DEPENDENCY TO |
| which one tries to control the other, often through | | | | CO-COMMITMENT |
| various roles, by intimidating, questioning, criticizing, | | | | In co-commitment, we learn to confront our fears of |
| playing the victim or retreating into oneself and | | | | becoming intimate. This is not always easy at first as |
| becoming aloof. | | | | we may have fears about getting very close to |
| Such relationships often result in vicious circles in which | | | | someone. Some of those fears might be:a. I am not |
| no one changes and no one is happy. We might even | | | | worthy, and if the other knows me well, he or she will |
| undermine our own happiness and power because we | | | | not want to be with me.b. I might be hurt, rejected or |
| are afraid to be happy or strong when the other is not. | | | | betrayed.c. The other might abandon me and I will not |
| Promises or perhaps even threats that serious | | | | be able to cope.d. I will lose my freedom.e. I will not be |
| changes are going to take place seldom become | | | | able to be myself. |
| reality. | | | | A part of the co-commitment relationship is to be able |
| We feel responsible for the other's reality and cannot | | | | to be intimate while simultaneously independent. Few |
| let him or her feel unhappy. We try to change the | | | | have managed to find this balance. Some have |
| other's mood, and until the other changes, we cannot | | | | mastered the ability to be close, but find it difficult to be |
| feel happy ourselves. Our state of mind is dependent | | | | happy alone. Others may find it easier to be okay |
| upon the other's behavior and attitude. | | | | alone, but are not able to be intimate. |
| In codependence, our fears prevent us from telling the | | | | Some of the behaviors that possibly exhibit a fear of |
| whole truth to the other and sometimes even to | | | | being very close with someone might be:a. We |
| ourselves. | | | | withdraw into ourselves and avoid deep or meaningful |
| Criticism becomes a major form of communication | | | | contact with the other.b. We mentally manufacture |
| and arguments continuously recycle. Most arguments | | | | faults in the other so that we are justified in not getting |
| revolve around the ancient game of "who is right." | | | | closer.c. We become emotionally numb and lose |
| When we are dependent on someone, we will often | | | | contact with our feelings.d. We start arguments in |
| deny our own needs and even our values in order to | | | | order to create a distance from the other.e. We |
| ensure the other's acceptance and / or approval. We | | | | subconsciously create an illness that prevents us from |
| might find ourselves not only ignoring our needs, but | | | | getting closer.f. We tend to live in the past and avoid |
| also doing things we do not really want to do. | | | | the present, and thus contact with the other.g. We |
| CO-COMMITMENT | | | | become absorbed in our work, hobby or any activity in |
| In co-commitment, we feel close to each and want to | | | | order to avoid the other. |
| share our lives without feeling dependent or that we | | | | The above reactions are unconscious self-protective |
| cannot be happy alone or with someone else. We | | | | mechanisms, which unfortunately seldom protect us |
| want the other to be happy and we do whatever we | | | | and always imprison us in lives without love or growth. |
| can in order to help him or her be happy, but do not | | | | Such reactions will be even more prevalent when the |
| believe we are responsible if he or she is not. | | | | others are playing roles such as intimidator or |
| We can continue being happy even when the other is | | | | interrogator and in some cases even victim and aloof. |
| not. | | | | But just as we have the fear getting close to the |
| We see the relationship as a growth process and | | | | other, we also fear being too far away. There is a |
| know that essential to that growth is being able to be | | | | Greek saying, "We cannot be happy together and |
| truthful with ourselves and each other. We learn to be | | | | cannot be happy apart." When then can we be |
| truthful about needs, thoughts and feelings. | | | | happy? This is the nature of codependence - fear of |
| We love the other and want him or her to blossom | | | | being close and fear of being apart. |