| Coping with Your Abuser
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| | allusion, delineate a possible turn of
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| | events.
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| How to cope with your abuser?
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| | Needless to add that all these activities
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| Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers are
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| | have to be pursued legally, preferably
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| ruthless, immoral, sadistic, calculated,
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| | through the good services of law offices
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| cunning, persuasive, deceitful - in
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| | and in broad daylight. If done in the
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| short, they appear to be invincible. They
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| | wrong way - they might constitute
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| easily sway the system in their favor.
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| | extortion or blackmail, harassment and a
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| Here is a list of escalating
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| | host of other criminal offences.
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| countermeasures. They represent the
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| | (1d) Lure Him
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| distilled experience of thousands of
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| | Offer him continued Narcissistic Supply.
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| victims of abuse. They may help you cope
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| | You can make a narcissist do anything by
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| with abuse and overcome it.
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| | offering, withholding, or threatening to
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| Not included are legal or medical steps.
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| | withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation,
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| Consult an attorney, an accountant, a
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| | admiration, attention, sex, awe,
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| therapist, or a psychiatrist, where
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| | subservience, etc.).
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| appropriate.
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| | (1e) Play on his Fear of Abandonment
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| First, you must decide:
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| | If nothing else works, explicitly
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| Do you want to stay with him - or
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| | threaten to abandon him.
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| terminate the relationship?
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| | You can condition the threat ("If you
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| 1. I want to Stay with Him
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| | don't do something or if you do it - I
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| FIVE DON'T DO'S - How to Avoid the Wrath
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| | will desert you").
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| of the Narcissist
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| | The narcissists perceives the following
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| Never disagree with the narcissist or
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| | as threats of abandonment, even if they
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| contradict him;
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| | are not meant as such:
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| Never offer him any intimacy;
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| | Confrontation, fundamental disagreement,
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| Look awed by whatever attribute matters
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| | and protracted criticism
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| to him (for instance: by his professional
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| | When completely ignored
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| achievements or by his good looks, or by
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| | When you insist on respect for your
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| his success with women and so on);
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| | boundaries, needs, emotions, choices,
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| Never remind him of life out there and if
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| | preferences
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| you do, connect it somehow to his sense
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| | When you retaliate (for instance, shout
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| of grandiosity;
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| | back at him).
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| Do not make any comment, which might
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| | II. I can't Take It Any Longer - I Have
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| directly or indirectly impinge on his
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| | Decided to Leave Him
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| self-image, omnipotence, judgment,
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| | (IIa) Fight Him in Court
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| omniscience, skills, capabilities,
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| | Here are a few of the things the
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| professional record, or even
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| | narcissist finds devastating, especially
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| omnipresence.
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| | in a court of law, for instance during a
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| The TEN DO'S - How to Make your
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| | deposition:
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| Narcissist Dependent on You If you INSIST
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| | Any statement or fact, which seems to
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| on Staying with Him
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| | contradict his inflated perception of his
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| Listen attentively to everything the
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| | grandiose self. Any criticism,
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| narcissist says and agree with it all.
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| | disagreement, exposure of fake
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| Don't believe a word of it but let it
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| | achievements, belittling of "talents and
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| slide as if everything is just fine,
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| | skills" which the narcissist fantasizes
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| business as usual.
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| | that he possesses, any hint that he is
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| Personally offer something absolutely
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| | subordinated, subjugated, controlled,
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| unique to the narcissist which they
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| | owned or dependent upon a third party.
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| cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be
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| | Any description of the narcissist as
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| prepared to line up future sources of
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| | average and common, indistinguishable
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| primary Narcissistic Supply for your
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| | from many others. Any hint that the
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| narcissist because you will not be IT for
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| | narcissist is weak, needy, dependent,
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| very long, if at all. If you take over
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| | deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive,
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| the procuring function for the
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| | gullible, susceptible, not in the know,
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| narcissist, they become that much more
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| | manipulated, a victim.
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| dependent on you.
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| | The narcissist is likely to react with
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| Be endlessly patient and go way out of
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| | rage to all these and, in an effort to
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| your way to be accommodating, thus
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| | re-establish his fantastic grandiosity,
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| keeping the narcissistic supply flowing
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| | he is likely to expose facts and
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| liberally, and keeping the peace.
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| | stratagems he had no conscious intention
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| Be endlessly giving. This one may not be
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| | of exposing.
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| attractive to you, but it is a take it or
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| | The narcissist reacts with narcissistic
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| leave it proposition.
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| | rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to
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| Be absolutely emotionally and financially
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| | an infringement of what he perceives to
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| independent of the narcissist. Take what
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| | be his entitlement. Any insinuation,
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| you need: the excitement and engulfment
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| | hint, intimation, or direct declaration
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| and refuse to get upset or hurt when the
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| | that the narcissist is not special at
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| narcissist does or says something dumb,
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| | all, that he is average, common, not even
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| rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works
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| | sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a
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| really well but should be reserved for
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| | fleeting interest will inflame the
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| special occasions when you fear your
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| | narcissist.
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| narcissist may be on the verge of leaving
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| | Tell the narcissist that he does not
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| you; the silent treatment is better as an
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| | deserve the best treatment, that his
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| ordinary response, but it must be carried
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| | needs are not everyone's priority, that
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| out without any emotional content, more
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| | he is boring, that his needs can be
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| with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to
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| | catered to by an average practitioner
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| you later, when I am good and ready, and
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| | (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer,
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| when you are behaving in a more
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| | psychiatrist), that he and his motives
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| reasonable fashion". Treat your
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| | are transparent and can be easily gauged,
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| narcissist as you would a child.
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| | that he will do what he is told, that his
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| If your narcissist is cerebral and not
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| | temper tantrums will not be tolerated,
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| interested in having much sex - then give
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| | that no special concessions will be made
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| yourself ample permission to have
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| | to accommodate his inflated sense of
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| "hidden" sex with other people. Your
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| | self, that he is subject to court
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| cerebral narcissist will not be
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| | procedures, etc. - and the narcissist
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| indifferent to infidelity so discretion
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| | will lose control.
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| and secrecy is of paramount importance.
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| | Contradict, expose, humiliate, and berate
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| If your narcissist is somatic and you
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| | the narcissist ("You are not as
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| don't mind, join in on group sex
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| | intelligent as you think you are", "Who
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| encounters but make sure that you choose
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| | is really behind all this? It takes
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| properly for your narcissist. If you do
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| | sophistication which you don't seem to
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| mind - leave him. Somatic narcissists are
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| | have", "So, you have no formal
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| sex addicts and incurably unfaithful.
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| | education", "you are (mistake his age,
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| If you are a "fixer", then focus on
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| | make him much older) ... sorry, you are
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| fixing situations, preferably before they
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| | ... old", "What did you do in your life?
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| become "situations". Don't for one moment
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| | Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did
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| delude yourself that you can fix the
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| | you ever establish or run a business?
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| narcissist - it simply will not happen.
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| | Would you define yourself as a success?",
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| If there is any fixing that can be done,
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| | "Would your children share your view that
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| it is to help your narcissist become
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| | you are a good father?", "You were last
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| aware of their condition, with no
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| | seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed
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| negative implications or accusations in
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| | grin) a cleaning lady (in demeaning
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| the process at all. It is like living
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| | disbelief)".
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| with a physically handicapped person and
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| | Be equipped with absolutely unequivocal,
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| being able to discuss, calmly,
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| | first rate, thoroughly authenticated and
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| unemotionally, what the limitations and
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| | vouched for information.
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| benefits of the handicap are and how the
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| | (IIb) If You Have Common Children
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| two of you can work with these factors,
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| | I described in "The Guilt of the Abused -
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| rather than trying to change them.
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| | Pathologizing the Victim" how the system
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| Finally, and most important of all: Know
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| | is biased and titled against the victim.
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| Yourself.
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| | Regrettably, mental health professionals
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| What are you getting from the
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| | and practitioners - marital and couple
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| relationship? Are you actually a
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| | therapists, counselors - are conditioned,
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| masochist? A codependent? Why is this
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| | by years of indoctrinating and dogmatic
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| relationship attractive and interesting?
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| | education, to respond favorably to
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| Define for yourself what good and
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| | specific verbal cues.
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| beneficial things you believe you are
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| | The paradigm is that abuse is rarely one
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| receiving in this relationship.
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| | sided - in other words, that it is
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| Define the things that you find harmful
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| | invariably "triggered" either by the
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| to you. Develop strategies to minimize
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| | victim or by the mental health problems
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| the harm to yourself. Don't expect that
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| | of the abuser. Another common lie is that
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| you will cognitively be able to reason
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| | all mental health problems can be
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| with the narcissist to change who they
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| | successfully treated one way (talk
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| are. You may have some limited success in
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| | therapy) or another (medication).
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| getting your narcissist to tone down on
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| | This shifts the responsibility from the
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| the really harmful behaviors that affect
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| | offender to his prey. The abused must
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| you - but this can only be accomplished
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| | have done something to bring about their
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| in a very trusting, frank and open
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| | own maltreatment - or simply were
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| relationship.
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| | emotionally "unavailable" to help the
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| (1a) Insist on Your Boundaries - Resist
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| | abuser with his problems. Healing is
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| Abuse
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| | guaranteed if only the victim were
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| Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand
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| | willing to participate in a treatment
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| reasonably predictable and rational
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| | plan and communicate with the abuser. So
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| actions and reactions. Insist on respect
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| | goes the orthodoxy.
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| for your boundaries, predilections,
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| | Refusal to do so - in other words,
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| preferences, and priorities.
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| | refusal to risk further abuse - is
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| Demand a just and proportional treatment.
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| | harshly judged by the therapist. The
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| Reject or ignore unjust and capricious
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| | victim is labeled uncooperative,
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| behavior.
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| | resistant, or even abusive!
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| If you are up to the inevitable
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| | The key is, therefore, feigned
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| confrontation, react in kind. Let him
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| | acquiescence and collaboration with the
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| taste some of his own medicine.
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| | therapist's scheme, acceptance of his/her
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| Never show your abuser that you are
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| | interpretation of the events, and the use
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| afraid of him. Do not negotiate with
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| | of key phrases such as: "I wish to
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| bullies. They are insatiable. Do not
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| | communicate/work with (the abuser)",
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| succumb to blackmail.
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| | "trauma", "relationship", "healing
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| If things get rough- disengage, involve
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| | process", "inner child", "the good of the
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| law enforcement officers, friends and
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| | children", "the importance of fathering",
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| colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
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| | "significant other" and other
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| Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy
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| | psycho-babble. Learn the jargon, use it
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| is the abuser's weapon.
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| | intelligently and you are bound to win
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| Never give him a second chance. React
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| | the therapist's sympathy.
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| with your full arsenal to the first
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| | Above all - do not be assertive, or
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| transgression.
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| | aggressive and do not overtly criticize
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| Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a
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| | the therapist or disagree with him/her.
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| first or casual meeting. Gather
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| | I make the therapist sound like yet
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| intelligence.
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| | another potential abuser - because in
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| Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your
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| | many cases, he/she becomes one as they
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| wishes, boundaries, preferences,
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| | inadvertently collude with the abuser,
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| priorities, and red lines.
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| | invalidate the abuse experiences, and
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| Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go
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| | pathologize the victim.
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| back on your word. Be firm and resolute.
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| | (IIc) Refuse All Contact
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| Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize
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| | Be sure to maintain as much contact with
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| every offer and suggestion, no matter how
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| | your abuser as the courts, counsellors,
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| innocuous.
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| | mediators, guardians, or law enforcement
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| Prepare backup plans. Keep others
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| | officials mandate.
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| informed of your whereabouts and
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| | Do NOT contravene the decisions of the
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| appraised of your situation.
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| | system. Work from the inside to change
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| Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be
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| | judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but
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| gullible and suggestible. Better safe
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| | NEVER rebel against them or ignore them.
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| than sorry.
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| | You will only turn the system against you
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| Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of
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| | and your interests.
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| their role. Expose him. Inform them.
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| | But with the exception of the minimum
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| Demonstrate to them how they are being
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| | mandated by the courts - decline any and
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| abused, misused, and plain used by the
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| | all gratuitous contact with the
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| abuser.
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| | narcissist.
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| Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats
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| | Do not respond to his pleading, romantic,
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| you. Involve others. Bring it into the
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| | nostalgic, flattering, or threatening
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| open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest
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| | e-mail messages.
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| abuse.
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| | Return all gifts he sends you.
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| (1b) Mirror His Behavior
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| | Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not
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| Mirror the narcissist's actions and
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| | even respond to the intercom.
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| repeat his words.
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| | Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up
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| If, for instance, he is having a rage
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| | the minute you hear his voice while
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| attack - rage back. If he threatens -
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| | making clear to him, in a single, polite
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| threaten back and credibly try to use the
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| | but firm, sentence, that you are
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| same language and content. If he leaves
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| | determined not to talk to him.
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| the house - leave it as well, disappear
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| | Do not answer his letters.
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| on him. If he is suspicious - act
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| | Do not visit him on special occasions, or
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| suspicious. Be critical, denigrating,
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| | in emergencies.
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| humiliating, go down to his level.
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| | Do not respond to questions, requests, or
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| (1c) Frighten Him
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| | pleas forwarded to you through third
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| Identify the vulnerabilities and
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| | parties.
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| susceptibilities of the narcissist and
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| | Disconnect from third parties whom you
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| strike repeated, escalating blows at
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| | know are spying on you at his behest.
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| them.
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| | Do not discuss him with your children.
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| If a narcissist has a secret or something
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| | Do not gossip about him.
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| he wishes to conceal - use your knowledge
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| | Do not ask him for anything, even if you
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| of it to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints
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| | are in dire need.
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| that there are mysterious witnesses to
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| | When you are forced to meet him, do not
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| the events and recently revealed
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| | discuss your personal affairs - or his.
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| evidence. Do it cleverly, noncommittally,
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| | Relegate any inevitable contact with him
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| gradually, in an escalating manner.
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| | - when and where possible - to
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| Let his imagination do the rest. You
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| | professionals: your lawyer, or your
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| don't have to do much except utter a
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| | accountant.
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| vague reference, make an ominous
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